White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
