I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
