Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
