I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
