Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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