God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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