I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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