i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
