Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That's intense
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
