I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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