You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
