I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
