I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
