Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
