I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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