If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
