look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
