it was like his penis was on wheels.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30