it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.