I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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