So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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