The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
