just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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