Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
