I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
