Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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