you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We are all done wearing pants today
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
