he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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