Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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