I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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