38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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