Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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