I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
