we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
