I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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