I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
