Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
