I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
