just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize