Non-Jews are for practice
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
