She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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