I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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