I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
