I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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