is your mom at the bar?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
