thus making me awesome and them whores
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
