Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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