have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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