come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I touched a dick in church today
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
