Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
