Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
