Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
