On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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