Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
