guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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